New Lessons From God

Recently I was filling sorry for myself. Some things were not going as I would have liked them to in my life. Nothing drastic but was giving me time to think and sort these things out. All in all God pointed out to me that even when we want things to be a certain way and we fill that we need it to be that way right then it isn't always so. God will always be right with us wherever we go and He will provide whatever and whoever we need when we need it / them. I always hear people say God's time table is not the same as ours. And that always seems alright for other people. But sometimes as human beings we can become so selfish and want things and people to our selves, not being willing to share. But as Christians we must always be willing to give of whatever and whenever God calls.

Feeling Much Better

In recent events I have been feeling pretty down. Even though my doctors are working with my meds (which are working better now) my thoughts have been hurting. I know that I cannot keep this up and down going with my daughter of when she feels like she needs someone to talk to or just when she feels like being nice and respectful I get called. So this a.m. when I was having my devotions I just kept asking God to send me a friend today. I really didn't care where the friend came from or who it was. I just needed to be able to vent and have the person be an understanding person and give me realistic information back. I went all day just thinking maybe if I moved out of state this problem that we are going through wouldn't hurt so bad. Then I would realize that I could not get to these activities no matter what. But then God showed me that wasn't a wise idea. I cannot afford to pack up and move. And why would I want to right now? When I have so many wonderful caring people at my church that truely care about me and are teaching me so much. And then all of the sudden I thought about my big sister Midge. She usually doesn't like calls after 7:30 p.m. but it was way before then. I called her. At first we just chit chatted about this and that, laughing and being comical with each other. Then I told her why I really called. She knows all the back ground of this situation so I didn't have to explain much. After everything was said and done she asked me a few questions. She didn't always agree with my answers but that is alright. Midge and I have always had that love for each other. We can discuss absolutely anything. But we won't always agree but we will still love each other. After we got off the phone I felt much better. God didn't sent a new friend to me today but He went one step better. He sent my big sister who loves me and understands me. Thank you God.

Monday's

Well yesterday was a fantastic day at church. Both services you could just feel God standing right there. Both services things were moving so wonderfully that you didn't even want to go home. And at one of the services I was given the opportunity to testify. Something that isn't done very often in our church. So put that all together and of course the devil is very angry. We were all worshipping God, singing, praising, worshipping. Devil gets mad and tries to make us pay.

Late Sunday p.m. I get a phone call from my son. I told him that I was taking care of ordering The Daily Word for him. Then we got started into a religious discussion. Since I had not done too well talking with his sister about soul winning I decided just to somewhat listen to what he had to say. It was quite late, we had the time change in the morning, it definately had been a very long day. I told him that I did not want to argue with him. He did not want to argue, but he definately wanted to discuss this matter of whether or not he was going to Heaven. At first when he called he was just relaying a message that I was to call Michelle.

So I finally got Mike off the phone and called Michelle. By then it was too late and they didn't even answer. So I figured it was just as well because I needed some sleep. This a.m. I got up early because it was the first of the week and I had to go get a couple of prescriptions. I decided to call Michelle before I left for my errand. We started talking, everything was pretty calm and then it happened. I brought up Stark's first birthday party. And of course all heck just went everywhere. I accused, she got mad and started telling me that I was just going to have to except the situation as it is. After telling her not to talk to me that way she went ahead and said it again but using a couple kinder words. I had had enough and hung up on her.

For two years now every special event that we have for Stark or Jeremy and Michelle if I am at it Michelle and I end up getting upset with each other for one reason or another. So I guess I should be happy that I won't be at Stark's first birthday party. Cripe I wouldn't even get a chance to hold my grandchild anyway. There are going to be so many people there. But as it stands I won't be at the Christmas celebration either because Michelle and Jeremy are insisting that it be held at their house this year. Well as I told Michelle ----- maybe when Stark is old enough to drive he will come try to find me and then him and I can talk and share time together. Michelle didn't like that statement very well. I have even been warned that if they are pregnant they will make arrangements for me to get out there but it is totally up to me to get myself home. I guess they asked somebody from Jeremy's family if they would be willing to pick me up. They said "sure we'll pick her up but we don't really want to." Of course no names were given. His grandparents live right up here by me (only 10 minutes away) but I am not allowed and they (Jeremy and Michelle) are not willing to ask them to take me or bring me home. Oh well life goes on.

Amazing God !!!!!

This week hasn't been one of my better weeks. I even stayed away from visitation and church Wednesday evening. But yet on Friday everything changed. I had contacted two of my doctors telling them the "off" things that had been happening in and with my body. I am so thankful to God that I have understanding doctors who don't just push me off as ok really you are fine and we will listen to you on the phone but that is it. One of them upped one of my prescriptions so that "hopefully" I could stop sleeping all day and night. The other nurse set up an appointment to see what could be going on that my last botex treatment did not work right. She thought the last time that I had called about this situation that I just needed to give it a month to work. But this time she set me up with someone to check me over to see if something else could be going on.

Then also I had gone shopping this week for grocerys for the month. My freezer was still quite full from last month (praise God) but I still got groceries for this month. My freezer was so full that everytime that I tried to move things then everything else would start falling out. I said a prayer to God to show me someone that might need some extra food. So when I got in the car to go to RU Friday p.m. I asked my driver and his wife if they knew anyone that might need some extra food. I didn't even have to wait a minute and they gave me a couple's name that was starting out with nothing and would appreciate any food that was given to them. That couple was just so thrilled to come to my house after RU and get some bags of food. They felt blessed but I think that I felt even more blessed.

Another answer to prayer also happened Friday p.m. I have been purchasing a few copies of a wonderful book that a man at our churh has written. Each month I say a little prayer for God to show me who I should give these books to. So Friday p.m. I was given my quota of books that I buy each month. Within a couple of minutes someone told me that they would like to take the book into the jail ministry that our RU program is a part of. I gave her two books and walked away beaming because I knew now that this book was being spread out into the jail ministry also. Praise God.

Today I am just feeling so good. I have the day to myself. I have accomplished a few things on the computer, gotten dressed, taken my meds and had my devotions. I hopefully will get more accomplished yet today. I am just not sure yet what. But God will lead me for I am His.

Another New Day

Even though I am officially writing this on Friday a.m. (just past mid-night) I am writing about Thursday. Thursday turned out to be a better than average day for me. Got up early because my girls were coming to take me grocery shopping for the month this a.m. They brought their grand-child so that was a little bit of excitement along with shopping. I still have a hard time believing how much meat I had left over from last month. I am usually down to bare necessities when I go shopping for the new month. So once again God has blessed me. My freezer is jammed full and I still have some money left on the food stamp card. Praise God. Maybe He will show me again this month someone that could use some extra food. I sure hope so because it makes me feel so good inside. The girls that took me shopping also clean my house one day on each week. They surprised me today with a watch with a pretty angel in the middle where the time is. It was a wonderful surprise. We really enjoy spending time together. Also this a.m. I was pleasantly surprised to receive a phone call from a new girl that has been coming to RU and church. She just wanted to call and tell me that she noticed that I wasn't at church Wednesday evening. That made me feel good inside. I am sure that more people noticed that I wasn't there either because that is just the way our church is. People actually look around to make sure who is and who isn't there. I talked with my psychiatrist office this afternoon about the sleeping going on again like it has been. We are going to up the a.m. "happy" pill to 2 x a.m. They call it the happy pill because it usually makes you feel pretty happy and it is colored this really pretty pink colored. I really am dreading the next couple of months. It is Starks' first birthday and I won't be there to help celebrate it. In a way that's good because any other event that I have been to that was a "family celebration" Michelle and I end up mad at each other and don't talk for quite some time. Then we also have Mother's Day coming up. That is when I was hoping to watch Stark open his gift from me. But Jeremy and Michelle will not allow it. I had suggested also that I come and spend the night before his birthday party. That way I could spend some quality time with him alone before everyone else came to the party. But Jeremy said no because he doesn't sleep very well with someone else in the house. Oh well, life goes on. Tomorrow I am planning on contacting the doctor office that does my botox treatment. I knew right from the day that I had my last treatment that something did not work right and I have had stomach and bowel problems ever since. The last time I called the nurse told me that I needed to give it at least a month for it to kick in. Well this time I plan on talking with someone else. I am sick of not feeling good. Hopefully Friday evening at RU will go well.

Same Old Stuff

Today went about the same way as yesterday. Except I started the day with more of a positive attitude. I got up, did meds, did devotions, got two loads of laundry done. Then I got something to eat and that was it for the day. I had already decided that I was not going to have my friend over this afternoon to help me study for memorization. I was embarassed that I hadn't even looked at my book since last week Friday. Then I figured since I was telling her that we couldn't get together I would just go two steps further and cancel my vistation ride and getting home from church ride. I knew that I belonged in church. But I am so confused about how I am feeling physically and emotionally. I plan on going grocery shopping tomorrow and then I am going to come home and contact my two doctors. Something is going on. All exams are showing that nothing is wrong. So is it emotional? I still feel crapy physically too. I pray that God will help the doctors or my own brain to figure out what is going on so I can deal with whatever is going on. At least I have gotten way past the suicidal crap. I am so thankful to God about that. I just feel like I don't want to go out anywhere. Even though the weather is beautiful and I hear all these people outside enjoying the beautiful weather. I still stay inside like a hermit.

Highs and Lows

Within the past three weeks I have been going through something very unique. For two weeks straight it seemed like all I did was sleep. Then I encountered a bad cough that medicine was not taking away. So my doctor sent me to the ER to be tested. They ran every test in the book and found nothing. Big surprise. They sent me home with an anitibodic and a steriode medicine. Even before I took the new meds I was not sleepy or tired any more. I figured it had to be depression sneaking it's little head on me again. (Better known as the devil) And now this week it is starting all over again. Yesterday I slept until 1:30 in the afternoon and today I slept until 12:30 in the afternoon. I feel like I am doing the hermit thing again, not really feeling like eating (but I do have dinner cooking just in case). I am suppose to be studying my memory verse for RU but yet my mind keeps telling me I won't be able to do it anyway so why try. I know that this is the devil. I realize that every time that you start praising God and living for Him that the devil hits you where you can be hurt the most. That's the one good thing about doing this blog. Even if no one else reads it it will be helping me to realize what I have to do. I need to get to my knees and have a one on one with God. He is the only one that can get me through this.